Areola 51

It is commonly known that there are two things in this world that should not have hard nipples: baby bottles and mannequins. When I’m walking through the Alto Palermo mall, I can’t help but get upset by seeing a dude- or chick- mannequin with some T-H-O, through a sweater no less; F-that. What is the point of having some ice-cutting nips if you’re wearing a sweater in the first place? If a mannequin is wearing a sweater and a scarf, one thing that he or she doesn’t have is some crispy areolas; mannequins and there boobs are supposed to look cozy and warm. What the hell kind of marketing is this? It is the exact opposite of men’s underwear in the US. You know what happens… you go to the local Target to pick up your unmentionables and what’s on the Hanes pack? A buff dude is standing on the cover, looking suave with his six-pack and perhaps the best looking underwear ever. I should know at the point that I look for the size 36-38 that they’re not going to look the same but no, it can’t be; I know when I put these undies on I’ll look like David Beckham in a Speedo. Instead, I’d kill to look like David Hasselhoff; not even Baywatch Hasselhoff, I’d settle on drunk, burger-eating on a bathroom floor Hasselhoff.

But I digress. Nipples do not belong on mannequins, male or female. That’s like enticing women to buy tight jeans off a model with huge junk.

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