Archive for the ‘The Shit List’ Category

It’s that time of year again… uggs and shorts

Well, the temperature has dropped to a tolerable 70 degrees.  The leaves aren’t really changing but I imagine the foliage will begin to tilt towards fall soon enough.  If you live in a place with four seasons, then I’m quite sure you have seen the signs of fall already.  At Baylor in Waco, TX, we are never sure that fall has begun until we see one combination of clothing; Uggs and Shorts… and probably a Northface fleece.  Uggs and Shorts

You know what uggs are… they’re these ridiculous, “UGG-ly” sheepskin  boots that I’m quite sure Inuits would love, if they had the money. Eskimos, not sorority girls should be wearing these.  I don’t get it… girls at Baylor are renown for wearing running shorts everywhere; SHORT running shorts.  There has to be some cause for this.  My theory is that when the temperature drops by 5 degrees, the temperature of the mid-shin drops by double.  Therefore, sheepskin boots are required to keep the upper ankle nice and cozy (Kind of like the haunch-warmers that show-dogs wear).  However, the rest of your body actually warms up, and shorter shorts are needed.  I have not tested this theory yet… my wife probably wouldn’t let me, these are just observations.  However, it does not seem to make any practical sense, whatsoever, to don warmer shoes and shorter shorts.  I can’t seem to wrap my brain around it.  Being in the MBA program, I’m going to chalk this one up to marketing and product placement.  If you can manage to get ditsy famous people to wear your impractical products like sheep skin boots… then surely ditsy, daddy’s girls will begin to wear them as well.

the root of the problem

How does this relate to the MBA program?  Not sure, really.  At this point it is more of an undergrad phenomenon.  So maybe we’re just too professional to start in with this, at campus anyway.  For the future, I am quite hopeful in my marketing career that I can sell anything if I get the right celeb to sport my product.

Areola 51

It is commonly known that there are two things in this world that should not have hard nipples: baby bottles and mannequins. When I’m walking through the Alto Palermo mall, I can’t help but get upset by seeing a dude- or chick- mannequin with some T-H-O, through a sweater no less; F-that. What is the point of having some ice-cutting nips if you’re wearing a sweater in the first place? If a mannequin is wearing a sweater and a scarf, one thing that he or she doesn’t have is some crispy areolas; mannequins and there boobs are supposed to look cozy and warm. What the hell kind of marketing is this? It is the exact opposite of men’s underwear in the US. You know what happens… you go to the local Target to pick up your unmentionables and what’s on the Hanes pack? A buff dude is standing on the cover, looking suave with his six-pack and perhaps the best looking underwear ever. I should know at the point that I look for the size 36-38 that they’re not going to look the same but no, it can’t be; I know when I put these undies on I’ll look like David Beckham in a Speedo. Instead, I’d kill to look like David Hasselhoff; not even Baywatch Hasselhoff, I’d settle on drunk, burger-eating on a bathroom floor Hasselhoff.

But I digress. Nipples do not belong on mannequins, male or female. That’s like enticing women to buy tight jeans off a model with huge junk.

If I had a penny…

What’s new on the s-list? Pennies. Not people who are named “Penny.” I have too many good memories about The Muppet Babies cartoon that used to play on Nickelodeon. I’m talking about the 1.4 cent piece of crap we Americans call currency. I say “1.4” because that is how much it cost to produce, $0.014 where it is only worth $0.01. There is absolutely no use for this coin. We could easily get rid of the penny, which would thus render it a collectors’ item and raise its value. All business transactions would be either rounded up or rounded down to the closest denominator of .05 and life would not change at all. Sure, honest Abe’s face would no longer be produced on a coin but if people really liked looking at Abraham Lincoln we would do more with his metallic photo than cast him into wishing wells and well wishes for needy bums. Besides that we still have the $5 bill. Argentina has no one cent piece. Granted their economy isn’t much to write home about but the lack of a one cent piece is not the cause of their fiduciary woes. The happiness that we will gain from not having a one-cent piece far outweighs the benefits of actually having one. Besides, is Abraham Lincoln that much of a looker in the first place? Seriously?

Red Baron Pizza

Red Baron Pizza-

I hope your crash you prop-plane into a mountain you mustachioed son of a bitch. Here is what The Baron has done. When I was a child Red Baron pizza used to make and sell Breakfast Pizzas. Legitimately good pizzas that tasted great from either the Microwave or Oven, it didn’t matter. What were these pizzas composed of that made them so delicious? Imagine a pizza crust made of biscuit (a wonderful foundation). A thin “sauce” of white gravy went on top of that, covered with egg, mozzarella cheese (not cheddar), and your choice of sausage or bacon. As a young lad, you couldn’t swing a dead midget in freezer aisle without hitting a Red Baron breakfast pizza, but not now. I have not been able to find one damn breakfast pizza at any Waco HEB or Wal-Mart. I thought that perhaps it was another one of Waco’s great social blunders (similar to one-way streets or parking garages with steeples), but upon coming back to Oklahoma City, I’ve found there are no RB breakfast pizzas here either. My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?